Published: Friday, February 11, 2011 - 4:38pm
I used to really love Valentine's Day. In grade school it was awesome. It was second only to Halloween for my annual candy intake. But then I hit middle school and I was informed that Valentine's Day was supposed to be about “love,” not candy. I was devastated. I’ve hated Valentine's Day ever since. Without the candy there is absolutely nothing redeeming about it. So here are my top ten reasons why I am a proud Valentine's Day Grinch.
10. It’s tacky
What about Valentine's Day makes people forsake their normally adequate sense of taste for a day and pick out gifts with all the discrimination of a blind caveman? On Valentine's Day, people buy disgustingly chubby animal replicas dressed in eye-numbing shades of red. They send each other cards with corny messages that any respectable teenager would blush to say aloud. The sheer volume of pink hearts alone is enough to send me into diabetic shock. Please do not revive me until this holiday is over.
9. Cupid is creepy
Think about it. Cupid is a creepy little naked baby who runs around shooting people. Someone should call child protective services, confiscate his weapons, and get him some pants. But no, we love the little guy and plaster his poor naked form to all of our paraphernalia. I think that baby Cupid should be an eerie reminder of what could happen if you take the Valentine's lovin’ too far.
8. Justifies PDA
The excessive amounts of pink and red may have caused massive brain damage in the populace, because for some reason couples feel it is okay to publicly display their affections on this day. IT IS NOT. I don’t want to see you trying to clean each other’s mouths. I don’t want you to form a hallway blockade with your sweaty hand holding. I don’t ever want to hear your baby talk unless you are trying to hunt down and kill the aforementioned Cupid.
7. It’s stressful
Valentine's comes with unrealistically high expectations. Even the free, unattached people can’t escape. Single people are expected to express their love for their family and even friends. But there is no doubt that the committed people have it the worst. The people in a relationship expect their significant other to turn Valentine's Day into the perfect romantic chick flick. They expect gifts, chocolate, time, money and effort. Talk about stress. Picking out gifts and making the perfect night is a confusing nightmare. Would flowers be overkill if you’ve only been dating for a week? Are you expected to say the dreaded L word? Can you write a love note in binary? Can you buy cheap chocolate? It’s the thought that counts, right? Wrong. Because no matter what you do the night...
6. Always ends in disappointment
With high expectations and high school limitations there is no way to avoid the inevitable disappointment. There is no way anyone can live up to Hollywood’s romantic ideals. If you are single, I really doubt that the person you have been crushing on since middle school will magically choose this day to confess their true love for you. And if you are in a relationship... well you are just doomed. You will do something wrong and when that happens there is a good chance the other person will already be high strung and go psycho. The inescapable disappointment that shrouds the day is about as depressing as watching a puppy die.
5. Condemns happy singles
Nowadays there is a fair amount of single support. People have mostly progressed from the old-fashion notion that you need to be going steady with someone to be happy. Valentine's is like the day the world falls into a time warp. Suddenly if you aren’t someone’s Valentine, you feel guilty, abnormal, and depressed. If your friends hear about about your non-existent Valentine’s plans, sympathetic stares and chocolates will be immediately presented. Some people have even renamed Valentine's, “National Singles Awareness Day.”
4. Makes you fat
Couples are stressed, singles are depressed and there is chocolate everywhere. Bad combo. This is a truly unhealthy holiday.
3. It’s commercialized
Even if Valentine's Day used to be about love and gratitude, it is now whoring for Hallmark. On Valentine's, you can only express as much love as you can buy. A love note on notebook paper is not romantic anymore, it’s cheap and lazy. The only way people can express their individual feelings is to buy mass-marketed cards, candy, flowers, and jewelry. Buying the right things is more important than the sentiment behind them.
2. It’s a lie
Valentine's Day didn't start off as a day of romance. February 14th is allegedly the day when St. Valentine was beaten, beheaded, and dragged through the streets of Rome. Other legends put the roots of this tradition in an attempt to Christianize the ancient pagan holiday of Lupercalia. The only confirmed event to take place on February 14th was Al Capone's famous massacre. Is love or blood in the air?
1. Love isn’t scheduled
Valentine's Day is forced. The essence of romance is doing something nice just because you love the other person and want to. Any romantic gestures made on Valentine's Day are automatically cheapened because there is always the possibility that it could have just been made out of obligation. If you are in love you shouldn’t wait until your calendar tells you it is time to show it.