LAUREN PIESTER
Gargoyle senior editor
Posted Monday, April 27, 2009

THERE ARE SOME things, like Facebook, that are useful, albeit distracting. There are other things, like Twitter, that are not.

Some say it's the future of communication. The future of journalism. The future of human interaction. Who needs lengthy, well-written articles, or e-mails, or real honest-to-goodness conversations when you can abbreviate everything in under 140 characters?

If you don't know what Twitter is, I don't feel like explaining it. Even people who live under rocks have probably heard of Twitter. They probably have it on their cellphones, and are so darn connected that they're completely turning around the whole stereotype of people living under rocks.

And they aren't alone. Rock people. Celebrities. Brothers. Sisters. Mothers. Fathers. Grandparents. Dogs. Cats. Hamsters. Hillbillies. Everybody's got a freakin' Twitter account, and they feel compelled to update every 10 seconds to let their stalkers, er, "followers," know exactly what they're up to every moment of the day.

And when people aren't on Twitter, updating their own or scanning other people's updates, they're talking about Twitter. They're making huge deals out of absolutely nothing. Ashton Kutcher just made the news because he became the first person to procure one million followers, narrowly beating out CNN by the smallest of margins.

Maybe it started out innocently enough. Hell, maybe it was even useful for a while. The trend used to be blogs, but who on earth wants to read a novel describing your day in detail?

A few words is much more manageable — an easy way to update people on useful things, like new articles published or new products available or the party you're having on Thursday. It's also a pretty fun way to do an English assignment.

Then, the world caught on, and it shows no signs of ever going back.

The name itself is annoying, and infinitely appropriate in more ways than anyone could have predicted. You know those birds in "Cinderella" that never shut up? Or those birds outside your window in the morning when you just want to sleep for 10 more minutes?

Those birds are the twits (HA GET IT?) of the world just letting you know that they're chowing on some Chinese food while watching some "Gossip Girl" or just about to head off to work for another boring day during which they will eventually revert back to twittering some more about how boring their day is. Just in case you wanted to know.

Well, world, I didn't want to know. I don't care. Facebook statuses used to be enough, and now those seem classy. Facebook's now The Times, and Twitter's the Enquirer. Facebook is Helen Mirren. Twitter's Tila Tequila.

Just this last week, Sherri Shepherd, one of the nutcases on "The View," referred to her Twitter fans as "Twiggers." I don't think I have to tell you the origin of that word.

And that's another thing. This phenomenon has let loose an entirely new vocabulary, sure to be the language of the future if we keep exposing it to the children. Tweet. Tweet-up. Twittervangelist. Twitterphant. Twitterlebrity.

A whole host of celebrities have jumped on the virtual bandwagon, much to the absolute elation of all their "fans." To become someone's follower on Twitter you don't even have to be approved by them. You can just jump right in and have their updates automatically show up on your home page. I can find out exactly what Oprah is doing just by logging in. My goodness, how could anyone find that creepy or frightening in any way?

I'm astounded, disgusted, and utterly appalled at how the world seems to have lost its ability to function normally without twittering about it. I almost prefer the old days of MySpace. Anyway, hit me up on Twitter anytime. The username is "piester."

Note: You can follow the rest of the Online Gargoyle staff on Twitter as well.