IT WAS ANNOUNCED yesterday that due to budget cuts and the current economic climate, the girls and boys soccer teams are to be combined into one coed team.

The idea was proposed a few years ago by an anonymous Uni parent, but was immediately dismissed. In light of recent economic troubles, however, the athletic department has deemed the change necessary.

The change will not be an easy one, though. The head coach for both the boys and girls team, while already the same, is not sure whether he wants to coach both simultaneously. The administration is hopeful, though, and many are very excited to see what the new team will be like.

The idea of merging a boys and girls team into one is not unheard of. Another school in the area has already made the switch, and has experienced quite a bit of success.

"At first, I didn’t like the idea of my daughter being around all those boys, but it turned out that the boys provided friendly competition for the girls during practice," commented one parent.

Another perk to having a coed team is that dedicated athletes get to play soccer during two different sports seasons. Boys soccer takes place in the fall and girls in the spring, but Uni’s coed team will play during both seasons.

Because the team has an equal number of boys and girls, they were not forced to decide whether they were a boys team with a few girls or a girls team with a few boys. The players who truly love to play soccer are ecstatic to be able to play for two seasons, although some of them will now have to decide to give up another sport to be able to play in both seasons.

The search for a new assistant coach is under way, but so far has had limited success. Some of the candidates, when told about the unique new arrangement, have simply said the following:

"Ew. Boys are icky" and "I have a nail-polish phobia."

Despite those negative feelings, freshman Marie Lilly is excited about the change.

"I like equality, so sharing our teams with the other gender is going to be liberating," she said. "Plus, we can finally prove we're better than the boys."

Happy April Fools' Day! In honor of such a celebrated holiday, the Online Gargoyle decided to treat you to a surprise dose of funny, strictly speculative stories. All quotes are made up, all plotlines purely fluff. We hope you take this opportunity to laugh with us (or at us, it's immaterial). Please enjoy!