STUDENTS MAY WANT to start taking their last naps and makeout sessions in the lounge this week before it closes down forever.

A thorough inspection of the lounge over spring break revealed a large amount of mold thriving in and around the grimy yet surprisingly plush couches and chairs scattered about the room.

The administration took into consideration the earnest suggestions made by the health code officials who discovered the mold and made the decision to close down the lounge last Thursday. They also decided that the room will be entirely remodeled, once the mold has been taken care of. That includes painting over the bright and unique handprints.

"I'm actually pretty unhappy. I really liked the lounge," said senior Lor Sligar. "Plus, there's all those handprints. That place is like a bajillion years of memories."

Thirty-some years of memories and filth. The lounge has been temporarily closed on numerous occasions due to the fact that no one seems to have the ability to keep it clean. Apparently, years of neglect have finally caught up to us.

There are some students who see no problem with closing the lounge.

"I've actually never been in there," said subfreshman Kaila Simpson, "and I never want to. It looks disgusting, and I can smell those rotten clementine peels from the hallway."

So where will upperclassmen hang out? There are a number of fairly comfortable chairs found in every hallway, and you can't forget about the library — four rooms filled with not only chairs, but books, magazines, and computers as well.

But, that's not until next week. The lounge will remain open for the remainder of this week, so don't forget to pay it a visit before school dismisses on Thursday. Just be sure not to breathe too much while you're in there.

"It technically should be closed down immediately," said Assistant Principal Sue Kovacs, "but these kids have been exposed so much already that we thought one week of saying goodbye couldn't really do any more harm."

The mold should be taken care of this weekend, and then remodeling is scheduled to begin next week as the first step toward a brand new Uni.

Happy April Fool's Day! In honor of such a celebrated holiday, the Online Gargoyle decided to treat you to a surprise dose of funny, strictly speculative stories. All quotes are made up, all plotlines purely fluff. We hope you take this opportunity to laugh with us (or at us, it's immaterial). Please enjoy!