DANVILLE — One area junior college will be seeing an onslaught of Uni graduates in its Class of 2011. In an unexpected twist, all of Uni's seniors have decided to eschew societal norms and enroll full time at Danville Area Community College this coming fall.

"We want to prove that the smartest students in the nation, exemplified by ourselves, can still achieve great things despite not attending big-name schools," said senior Annie Machesky.

And the parents? Well, their reactions have been priceless to behold. Exclamatory e-mails have been flooding into Assistant Director Sue Kovacs' and Director Steve Epperson’s inboxes. Things such as "What?," "No way is my kid turning down (insert college name)," and "I am furious!!!!!!!" have been the tamer responses to this decision.

How did this idea come about? Senior Carl Pearson explained: "See, it started out as a Senior Prank idea; tell people that we’re turning down our top choice colleges across the nation to stay in town, live with our parents, and commute to Danville every day. Then, the idea just became more and more
intriguing. We decided to go for it!"

Said senior Jeremy Kemball: "Our class is so close and bonded, we really didn’t see the point in putting ourselves through separation anxiety. I hear that depression hurts … everywhere."

Sophomore Claire Billingsley had a different take on the situation.

"I think it's pretty stupid," she proclaimed loudly on the first floor. "They shouldn't give up their futures to make a statement. Also, how will they ever grow up if they hang around town?"

And the administration’s view?

"I think this is great," said Kovacs. "If all these seniors stay in town, I can still keep track of their grades, and they can continue to finish their tardy service!!"

Happy April Fools' Day! In honor of such a celebrated holiday, the Online Gargoyle decided to treat you to a surprise dose of funny, strictly speculative stories. All quotes are made up, all plotlines purely fluff. We hope you take this opportunity to laugh with us (or at us, it's immaterial). Please enjoy!