As Uni's numbers bounce back from last week's first major wave of flu-related absences, let us refrain from dwelling on the nasty specifics of swine flu. Instead, let us focus our efforts on sprucing up the aura of this horrid malady.

Here are some things I associate with the word "swine": slop, pork, swill, snout, jowl, stench, you get the idea. It's bad enough to be humbled by the various symptoms of flu; I believe they are made worse with the addition of the lowly "swine" label. This leads to my modest proposal. In these circles, swine flu shall forevermore be referred to as "porcinenza."

My dictionary tells me that "porcine" means "Of, relating to, or suggesting swine: PIGGISH." The "-enza" flourish on the end serves the dual purpose of tying in the flu angle while also offering a stylish flair that hints of European fashion.

If we're going to be sick, we might as well state our cases with some semblance of pride. What would you rather say: "I got the swine!" or "I seem to have contracted a bit of porcinenza …"? Again, you get the idea.

Once we have the name situation figured out, further strides could be made to alleviate some of the awful hubbub of porcinenza. These could include hand sanitizers with designer scents for those special occasions (Calvin Klein, Harajuku Lovers, etc.), and avante-garde face masks for those who want to make a statement while they're filtering the crud out of the air that they breathe.

With all of porcinenza's potentially stylish trappings and the myriad opportunities that it presents for self expression, I think that some people might even look forward to the rigors of avoiding it.

While we're all wondering if the rest of our winters will be increasingly marked by the latest, greatest flu, I suggest that we meet them head-on. In the same way that porcinenza could put a new, almost tolerable face on swine flu, I believe that any new strain that presents itself could be met with similar humor and flair.

Now, if you'll excuse me, they're about to announce the Aeropostale line of holiday face masks. The rumor mill predicts stunning accents; faux gemstones?