Film review: "My Bloody Valentine 3D" will break your heart (with a pick axe)
Published: Monday, January 26, 2009 - 11:26am
Starring Jensen Ackles,
Jaime King & Kerr Smith
Released: Jan. 16, 2009
WHAT IS BETTER than a movie with a midget, a naked woman, and a dead miner/killer all in one scene? Answer: nothing.
Ten years ago a supposed angry miner, Harry Warden, woke up from a coma on Valentine's Day and killed 22 people, but he failed at his attempts on two young teenage couples who all just barely escaped.
Now, in this remake of the 1981 film of the same name, the killer is back, and the teenagers are full-grown adults. The new love-life scandals of these former couples — Tom (Jensen Ackles), Sarah (Jaime King), Axel (Kerr Smith), and Irene (Betsy Rue) — are interrupted by a new string of horrendous murders, and it's time to figure out who is behind all this … or has Harry Warden truly come back to life?
Throughout the movie the only real connection to the Valentine holiday is that the first murders (from 10 years earlier) happened to occur on Valentine's Day. Nonetheless, when the new killings begin, "Harry Warden" is still writing "Be My Valentine" on grocery store walls and giving out candy boxes with real hearts in them.
I think this second round of murders was supposed to occur close to Valentine's Day, too, but it was obviously not exclusive to the holiday. Maybe if the movie had been released closer to Feb. 14 I might have been fooled into thinking there was a little more relevance to Valentine's Day. And plus it just would've been a great movie to take a date to, instead of forcing your boyfriend to sit through another one of those sappy romantic comedies.
Overall, though, I will have to admit that I actually liked it. Maybe it was my wonderful company, but it just generally seemed to be a nice mixture of humor and thrills. I guess it's important to note that there was probably not intentional humor, but it's hard not to laugh when a naked woman walks outside (after only having time to throw on her high heels), sees "Harry Warden" dressed in a mining outfit, and then you get a wonderful look at her jiggling buttocks as she tuttles away.
And, although they cost me an extra $2, the 3-D glasses were definitely a nice bonus. Don't let the recycling bins sitting outside the doors confuse you either — if you paid for them then you don't have to recycle (although they don't make you see your calculus homework in 3-D , so there is not a whole lot of other uses). Anyway, when the bloody hand looks like it is going to drip on your knee or when the pick axe almost hits you in the face, it makes you actually scream (or at least I did).
On the downside, the glasses leave little ridges in your nose and you look like a dork. Also, you might think that if you take them off you'll be less scared — except that doesn't work. Then the screen just looks slightly fuzzy, and when the lights turn on, you begin to wonder why everything looks so blurry.
The lack of mystery is really the downfall of the movie. If you think you know who the new Harry Warden is, chances are you're probably right. I sat there and told myself, "No, that's way too obvious," and soon began to make up reasons why the other characters could really be the masked miner. But as I learned in the end, I should've just trusted my instinct — even if it did make the ending nowhere near as exciting.
I guess a little mysteriousness is provided when this evil guy gets shot at, scorched by a fire, has a mine collapse on him … and he still lives. The mystery: How does he do it? Is he actually a superhuman devil villain?
This is the perfect scary movie for people who are easily scared. The over-the-top scenes make you laugh, but you jump in your seat a few times, too. And plus, you now have the start to your very own 3-D glasses collection.
"MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D" AT A GLANCE
- Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Kerr Smith
- Directed by: Patrick Lussier
- Written by: Todd Farmer and Zane Smith
- Genre: Horror, Thriller
- Rated: R
- Runtime: 101 min.
- Release date: Jan. 16, 2009
- Summary (from IMDb): In this remake of the 1981 film of the same name, Tom (Ackles) returns to his hometown on the 10th anniversary of the Valentine's night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming, however, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame (King) is the only one who believes he's innocent.