KATY METCALF
Gargoyle staff reporter
Posted Thursday, Jan. 22, 2009

DURING TUESDAY'S INAUGURAL festivities, Illinois voters and citizens might have noticed one glaring absence: Gov. Rod Blagojevich.

Accused of attempting to auction off Barack Obama's now vacant senate seat, he opted to stay away from D.C. this week as his presence would be a "distraction."

Has he suddenly sprung a conscience? Or, as the media joke, is he getting something in return? For a normal person, that would seem silly, but for Blagojevich … well, I wouldn't be too surprised.

The last decade has contributed a lot to the ledger of political scandal. Consider former N.Y. Gov. Eliot Spitzer, former N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevey, former California Gov. Gray Davis, former Illinois Gov. George Ryan, and, of course, former Alabama Gov. Don Siegelman. Those five, clearly, go in a group. And what do they have in common?

Affairs, favors, fraud. Racketeering in general. And now the proud old Land of Lincoln can add another name to that list, thanks to the faults and flaws of our beloved and twice-elected (how?) governor.

Admittedly, his crimes are more interesting than his colleagues', though I imagine that’s only the product of their stupidity. You would think that if you knew you were being investigated by the FBI, you’d know better than to use your own phone to place your bribes and take your offers. But no.

You would also assume that you'd use some code word for the Senate seat, if naught else … you know, Deep Throat and the like. But no. Not even close. To use our darling governor's words, "This thing is f****** golden, and, uh, I’m not going to give it up for f****** nothing!" That was discreet.

It does, however, provide good material for all kinds of jokes, including my new favorite shirt: "I bribed Blagojevich and all I got was this stupid T-shirt!"

In all seriousness, though, what's happened to Illinois politics? Blagojevich needs to be locked up, and Ryan, his predecessor, is still in jail. I miss the days of Jim Edgar, James Thompson … but who came before them? Dan Walker, his reputation tarnished by savings and loan fraud after he left office.

Is Illinois incapable of producing more than a handful of decent politicians? Corruption in our state government is nearing mythic proportions, to the point where it's become a joke to the rest of the world.

And it's not only in the office of governor; this perversion sinks down into the lowest levels of civil servants. I'm looking at you, Roland Burris, who was sworn in as Obama's replacement on Jan. 15 after two weeks of controversy regarding his appointment.

It's sad but true that anyone who's even been in close contact with our governor bears, as the media are so wont to say, a taint. And quite rightly: Blagojevich may be an idiot, but he's quite clearly proven that he knows how to … use a phone.

Speaking of Burris, I have words for you:

No. I do not want you in office. We do not want you in office. Taint aside, you are corny, overplayed, and either you or your publicist need some major lessons. You realize, when they tried to circumvent your appointment, you were the only one calling foul? Everyone else was fine with it. Everyone, Mr. Burris. No one brought race into it until you did, and frankly, it was a low and nasty technique. The Senate isn't racist, but I somewhat suspect you are for jumping to that conclusion so quickly.

Does anyone remember the Rolando Cruz case? It would seem not. Cruz, from Aurora, was accused of rape and murder in 1985, and sentenced to death on the shaky grounds of a dream he'd claimed to have had being taken as a confession. Eight months later, a man named Brian Dugan confessed to the crime, with details only the killer could have known. By right, Cruz should have been exonerated.

And was he? No. However, he was awarded a retrial … and again, sentenced to death. This trial was even worse than the one before, fraught with errors in the investigation and sentencing.

In 1992, Assistant Attorney General Mary Brigid Kenney, who was supposed to fight Cruz's appeal, sent a letter to (who else but?) Roland Burris, at the time the Illinois attorney general, begging him to acknowledge the errors and pardon Cruz, or at least grant him yet another retrial. She was ignored. In protest, she resigned with an impassioned letter, stating that among other things Burris was "executing an innocent man."

All these protests could have been put off as the ravings of an angry lawyer, I suppose. It wouldn't have been too far-fetched. But the evidence — and Dugan's confession — stood in her favor. And yet Burris refused to act. Cruz was released in 1995 after almost 12 years in prison, when DNA testing of the semen at the scene proved his innocence.

And to the Senate, you were so close to the right answer, but then you backed away! What happened? Invoke Article I, Section 5! Invoke Senate Rule II! Invoke the Emancipation Proclamation, I don't care, no one does, but send Burris away! Ladies and gentlemen, you're big kids now; have some backbone. You're not racist, or otherwise biased, and everyone (but Burris, apparently,) sees this. Do I need any other reasons?

And by the way, his first question after being sworn in was, "What does it pay?" Are we completely sure he's not in bed with Blagojevich?

And to our governor … you're going to jail. You didn't make the smart move and resign (though we've never accused you of being particularly smart), and you are the first Illinois governor to be impeached, and you're going to jail. And the people of Illinois have never been happier.

Well, we would be if we could get a decent governor in office. But at the moment, even that seems unlikely.