Barry Lotter's senior photo
Used under Creative Commons License

ACCORDING TO HER most recent press release, J.K. Rowling's British persona is, in fact, a sham.

Rowling grew up in Bement, Ill., attending Bement High School and living on a farm. She was invited to attend a Uni junior's prom in 1979, as a blind date.

She wound up in a relationship with her date, and came to Uni at lunchtime frequently. The atmosphere she observed really inspired her.

We looked back through old yearbooks, and found a photo of a student named Barry Lotter, a kid with tousled black hair and glasses.

He had a real knack at calculus, sadly unlike his friend Jon Freasley. However, perhaps Freasley’s ineptitude can be blamed on his malfunctioning calculator.

Rowling denied that Barry and Jon were the inspiration for any of the characters in her book. We tend to believe her, since really, they don’t sound like anyone in the novels.

A graduation snapshot of Jon Freasley, Lotter's best friend
Used under Creative Commons License

And you may ask, who inspired Hermione?

According to Rowling, she was entirely fictional, but personified the perfect Uni student; coming from a background devoid of professors, she still skyrocketed to the top of her class.

Why, you may wonder, didn't Rowling come to Uni herself, if she was so enamored of the school?

"The commute," stated Rowling. "It was far too long for me to drive every day. Bement is in the middle of nowhere!"

Apparently, the four floors of Uni were the inspiration for the four Houses of Hogwarts, the mysterious basement the basis behind the Chamber of Secrets, and the Shrieking Shack inspired by the Hue and Math Houses.

Potions obviously corresponds to Chemistry, Herbology to Field Biology, and Ancient Runes to Latin. But History of Magic … well, we're lost as to what that class was supposed to be based on.

Why did Rowling suddenly come out of the closet about this?

She heard rumors through the grapevine and through her committed perusal of the Online Gargoyle about Uni's potential building renovations.

"If I can get Uni named a historic landmark due to its direct relationship to my Harry Potter series," stated Rowling proudly, "then maybe I can save a bit of history."

Sorry, no April Fools' joke here. This is totally true. Really. Look at those photos.