During a recent third period, seniors Stephen and Russell Prochaska are chilling out in the lounge. Russell is devouring a container of spaghetti and meatballs that could feed an entire family and offers me a bag of puppy chow. Stephen lounges on the couch, reading a book. Since I first got to know the Prochaska twins during our sophomore year, they have become two of my closest friends. Both are absolutely hilarious, interesting, and surprisingly sweet.

So during our shared free period, I interrupted Stephen from reading and Russell from eating for a Q&A so that those who don't really know them could get a sense of who they are. Stephen plans to major in psychology at Beloit College in Wisconsin, while Russell will attend Cornell College in Iowa (he's undecided about his major). In the conversation that follows, note the interjections from juniors Costas Cangellaris and Langston Allston-Yeagle, our fellow free-period buddies.

Stephen, how would you describe your twin?

S: Russell is the definition of an alpha male.

What's an alpha male?

S: A manly man. Big muscles, angry, beats children.

Who's the older twin?

S: I am.

Are you the more mature, responsible one?

S: Oh definitely. No doubt. I’m responsible, mature, and an alpha male.

So you guys are both alpha males?

S: Yes, yes. See I am everything that he is, except for the bad parts.

What are the bad parts?

S: Whatever you want it to be.

Is beating children a bad part?

S: Only if you want it to be.

What do you think of Russell’s old dragon shirts? (During subfreshman year, T-shirts with dragon designs were Russell's signature look.)

S: Oh those are hot. I love it when he wears those. [Laughs]

Russell, how would you describe your brother?

R: Fantastic.

S: Hell yeah.

R: Hot, like a Blues Brother. Heroic and alpha male.

Since Stephen's older, do you feel that he's more responsible?

R: No! He makes weird animal noises! And he sings the same song over and over!

S: Oh that's true. [Starts singing] Sit here, Russell. [Pats couch] Sit next to me. [Singsong voice] Come on buddy, I wanna sit byyyy you.

So do you guys get along most of the time?

R: Oh no.

S. Oh all the time. We love each other.

R: We're gonna miss each other greatly in college.

S: We cuddle before we sleep. We have two separate rooms to keep up the appearance that we sleep in different rooms, but we don’t.

R: Stephen sleeps under my bed.

S: No I sleep on his bed. He’s just embarrassed about it. My bed is booby trapped: If anyone actually sleeps in it for more than an hour, he will die.

What's the first memory you guys have of each other?

S: Me biting his head.

R: The womb.

S: We had just gotten out of the bath as little babies, and I started to try to eat his head.

No! That’s not true! I can’t publish that …

S: Why not?

I can't write "cannibalism of little babies"!

S: No it’s true! We have a picture of that. I think that’s my senior picture, you know the baby picture?

What? No, that’s not true.

S: I have the picture! I actually started biting his head when we were little.

Is this true, Russell?

R: [Looks down] Yeah. But that's not my first memory though!

What's your first memory of Stephen?

R: Of Stephen? I’m really thirsty … Oh, my first memory of Stephen? I'd have to say when he came out of the womb before I did.

S: He's like, "Noooo, don’t leave me!"

R: I was lonely for the next half hour.

S: And then we had to force him out with a C section. I helped because I was a very experienced practitioner by then.

So you didn’t need a C section?

S: No, I didn’t. I jumped out and was like, "Yes! World!" — and then I got a Ph.D in medicine.

R: He kinda got shoved out.

Don’t you mean pulled out?

R: No, I shoved him out.

S: I was kinda bitter about that. Dude, you’ve got glitter on your face.

R: Where?

S: On your eye.

R: Get rid of it!

Can you guys do the whole twin mind-reading thing?

R: No.

S: Oh yeah, definitely. I know where Russell is at all times. I know what he's thinking, what he's feeling, what he's eating.

[Russell sprinkles salt on his pasta]

S: Oh there's ants in our salt; it's gross. I spent like two hours last night burying ants in my salt and then unsurfacing them to let them struggle out, and I’d bury them again.

R: It’s true, he spent like an hour doing that.

You know, when I was little, I used to put ants under a magnifying glass and hold it under the sun and burn them.

S: Hehehehe. We used to burn them. We used to pop them; they make popping sounds when they burn.

R: Yeah, we put them in the fire.

They pop in the fire?

S: Yeah, the big ones. The small ones don’t pop.

Do you guys ever wish you were identical twins so you could switch places?

S: No. We can do the twin tricks even though we're not identical, so it's even weirder. Some people are like, "Wow, these people aren’t even related," because they don’t know us and we do these tricks and they're like, "Wow, it's like they have a second connection."

R: Yeah it's really weird. Because people will not know that we are related and call us by the right names, and as soon as they find out we're twins they start calling us each other's names.

So as I see, Russell's doing all the eating, and Stephen's just sitting here.

R: Stephen's anorexic.

S: I already ate.

R: He's definitely getting skinnier.

S: I'll eat your children! You know Russell, half the reason I can't eat at school is because you eat all the food. Dammit, because you are fat!

R: Stephen, that doesn't make sense at all. You would take it if you really wanted it.

S: Dammit, I would! [Grabs Russell’s container of pasta] I tried bringing food every day last week but it's so much work to make food in the morning.

Who does the cooking in your family?

S: My mom generally, and me after that. Russell makes sausages like every morning.

R: Actually, I’ve cooked about twice. You've cooked about twice, too.

S: I've cooked way more than twice. I cook all the time! You just don't notice.

What do you cook?

S: A lot of things.

R: You cooked pasta for Maritza. (Stephen is currently dating junior Maritza Mestre.)

S: That was tasty. I make fried chicken, that's really good, and steak, too. I make lots of salads. What else … I really like salad, but I don't really count that as cooking.

Do you let Russell eat it?

S: Yeah, I let him have a little bit, but I get all the best part. Plus I eat a lot.

What are you guys' favorite food?

R: Blood.

S: Like a specific food, or a cuisine? Like Indian food …

A specific food.

S: Hmm … ahhh! Palak gosht.

What?

R: What?

S: It's an Indian dish. It's like lamb bits in this spinach curry sort of stuff. It's like this creamy spinach thing — I love it.

What about you Russell? Puppy chow? (Russell and I used to make this at his house.)

R: [Glares at me]

S: Hahahaha. He does like puppy chow. I’d say sausage, just based on his eating habits. [Some inappropriate exchange between the twins about sausage]

R: I like mixing things with pasta.

S: Pasta is really good.

R: I like lamb a lot.

S: Lamb is really good. You know what's really good? It's alligator. That's probably the best meat.

Langston: I don't know. I think it's just like chicken.

S: Yeah, but it's not. It's better than chicken. Chicken is good, but alligator is like gold of chicken. Really, really good.

Langston: Stephen, when did you become a werewolf?

I thought you were a vampire. (I'm not sure why, but several of his friends say that he's like a vampire.)

S: I'm a werewolf and a vampire.

Costas: He's a werewolf. He's pretty much the hairiest man I've seen in my life.

R: Yeah, you're a werewolf.

Langston: When did you get bitten?

S: Uh … my fourth birthday.

R: By me.

Are you also a magical creature?

R: No.

Langston: He's a unicorn.

S: Hehehe. Russell is a unicorn. But he's got a horn that he can detract — what do you call it? Retract, sorry. [More inappropriate exchange between the boys]

Which one of you is your parents' favorite?

S: Me. Hands down. They hate Russell.

R: Actually, my dad likes me better than Stephen.

S: Well, that used to not be true.

R: Yeah, but it is now.

S: Back in the day, everyone used to love me. I don’t know, we're too old to be favorites now; they just kinda hate us both.

R: No, they don't hate me, they just hate you.

S: Yeah right. No one talks to you, Russell.

Who's the better student?

R: I am. I have better grades

S: No that's not true by any means!

R: Um … I have better SAT and ACT scores.

S: No. Those are both dirty, dirty lies.

Langston: Stephen, you haven't turned in a stats problem set in like eight months.

S: That's not true at all! I’ve turned in every one on time, except third quarter. Third quarter I did not turn in very many things on time.

R: Why does it take you like an hour to do six problems when you ask for my help?

Who's the funnier twin?

[Simultaneously] R: Me. S: I am

[Pause]

[Together] R: It’s definitely me. S: It’s probably me.

R: Actually, I make people laugh more, so if that’s the definition of funny, then it's me.

Are you guys best friends?

R: Uh-uh.

S: Hell yeah. He's my bestest friend ever. Forever.

R: That's 'cause I'm your only friend.

S: I love him like a baby.

Do you guys generally share the same circle of friends?

S: I would say so.

R: Uh … no. I think we're pretty much friendless. Like neither of us really has any friends.

S: Yeah, we are kind of social rejects. People tend to hate us.

Stephen, what's a quality of Russell's that you admire?

R: My good looks. My good habits.

S: Oh yeah, those are definitely ones that I do admire. But, a real quality that I admire …[Laughs]

Costas: Someone should have done this interview with me and Anna. (Costas' sister, Anna Cangellaris, graduated in 2008.) It would have been a lot more loving.

S: Aww. A real quality that I admire in Russell …

R: As oppose to a fake one?

S: Hahaha.

Langston: How come both of you shaved today?

S: I shave every day.

Answer my question!

Costas: You know you guys both make each other laugh, right?

R: Is that a good quality?

S: He's not insecure at all. He doesn't think about anyone but himself. [Laughs] He doesn't care what other people think. There we go. That's a quality that I admire.

Russell, what do you admire about Stephen?

R: What?

What's a quality that you admire in Stephen?

R: He doesn’t have any qualities.

S: Hey!

Russell!

S: I have some qualities!

R: He's a man without qualities.

S: That means I'm nobody … How could you hurt me so much?

R: Are we talking good quality, or bad quality?

Well, something you admire! Obviously …

R: He's a good quality object.

Oh my gosh, Russell, you know what I mean!

R: Hahaha. Um … I don't know. I think his hair.

S: [Snickers] That doesn’t count.

R: Stephen, I'm jealous of your brown hair actually. I wish I had brown hair.

S: I know you do.

R: And hair on my body …

S: Hey!

How long do you spend styling your hair every morning, Stephen?

R: Half an hour.

S: About three minutes.

R: [Bitterly] We're late every day because he styles his hair.

S: That's not true by any means! Russell, every time you stay home from school, I am on time. What does that say? That means you are the one making us late.

R: [Interrupts] No. But … you're the one that's always last!

S: That's not true!

R: Really?

S: Like today I was last because …

R: [Interrupts again] And yesterday and the day before and the day before that and every day.

S: Russell, we didn't go to school yesterday! You're fat! You're a fat person, Russell.

[Silence, then everyone laughs]

S: You eat all of my food.

Where are you guys going to college next year?

S: Beloit.

R: New York.

New York?

S: Russell's going to Cornell in Iowa.

What will you be majoring in?

S: Psychology. Russell's undecided.

R: Women.

Well … there is women's studies.

S: There is.

R: You would never be able to get anywhere, because you just can't study them … there's so many things that nobody will ever understand.

Langston: Hey, did you guys ever get in fist fights in the womb?

S: Yes, yes we did. There wasn't really much to do and we took up each other's space a lot, so …. There was actually a lot of head butting 'cause our fists were kind of small.

Did you ever get in fist fights after the womb?

S: We have done that, yes. I don't think we've ever drawn blood, though. Are you wearing my jeans right now?

R: These are my jeans.

S: Oh, those are your jeans.

Do you guys wear each other's clothes?

S: Yes we do.

R: Yeah Stephen, where are my socks? Every single day.

S: I do wear his socks a lot … not today though.

Do you wear his dragon shirts?

S: I uh … [Laughs] … I don't … uh … do you even have those anymore?

R: No.

S: But I would if he still had them. I'd definitely wear those; they are sexy. I would cut some holes in them to show off my hot bod.

Anything you guys have to say to Gargoyle readers?

S: I love everybody.

R: I'm an alpha male!

S: We already know that.

R: I love Stephen!

S: Yeah!

R: No I don't! Don't do drugs.

S: Hahaha. That's … that's a good message. Alcohol is bad. Teen drinking is very bad.

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