Pay for it all or go dutch? Fast food or quality dining? Answer these and other momentous questions as you guide a Uni couple through their prom night. Will it be an utter disaster or will you make this the prom night of their dreams?

By Max Goldberg
Gargoyle senior editor
Posted Thursday, May 18, 2006, The OG, features

Hubert and Gretta have already gone through the long, drawnout, and tortuous path of Darwin's sexual selection to become each other's dates to Uni High's prom. But, being socially inept, they have no idea how to proceed from here. Thankfully, you have taken pity on their situation and have descended from the heavens to guide them through the prom process.

First, but certainly not as important as emotions and happiness and whatnot, financial matters must be taken care of. In an age where the patriarchy is crumbling by the wayside, Hubert is extremely confused. He isn't sure whether or not to pay for the whole thing or to split it between the two of them. If you want him to demand that he pay for the entire affair, go to Box A. If you want the two of them to split the cost, go to Box B.

Box A: Gretta doesn't take kindly to Hubert's chauvinistic aggression and uses her newly acquired RAD self-defense skills to perforate his manhood. And then she takes him up on his offer, and he is forced to drop $200 on dinner alone. You have singlehandedly ruined their prom night with your dinosaur ethics.

Box B: Gretta willingly accepts. With much pressure relieved on both parties, they must now decide what to do for dinner. If you want them to go to Arby's, proceed to Box C. If you want them to try out the new Sino-Russo-Japanese Technology Bistro, go to Box D. If you want them to patronize Random Expensive Beef Restaurant, go to Box E.

Box C: While this option ensures that each partner pays at most five U.S. dollars, Horsey Sauce spells mortal peril for Hubert's tuxedo. Gretta looks on in horror as her date is coated in a thin layer of horseradish paste. Continue to Box F.

Box D: Gretta and Hubert are overwhelmed from the beginning as they find out their waiter is a trilingual robot, speaking the titular languages of the restaurant. The food is exotic and trendy, and even though they are asked to pay in rubles, there is a duty-free currency exchange in the restaurant. How fortuitous for our young heroes! Proceed to Box G.

Box E: Hubert's eyes light up greedily as he sees the selections of beef before him. You have failed, however, to take into account Gretta's vegetarian disposition. In short, Hubert eats three entrées of veal chops and Gretta eats a cabbage. Hubert leaves content and rather gaseous. Gretta leaves hungry and rather peeved. Continue to Box F.

Box F: By now, Hubert has assorted beef parts and condiments strewn all over his person, and Gretta is none too happy with the night so far. They have arrived at the dance, and it is going to take a miracle to save Hubert from dancing awkwardly by himself as his date walks away. If you want to let him go alone with his skill as a dancer, go to Box H. If you want to teach him a choreographed dance to Bubba Sparxxx's “Ms. New Booty,” go to Box I.

Box G: After a classy dining experience, both parties are feeling pretty good about the dance this evening. Neither can dance very well, but pretty much every other promgoer is in the same boat. You'd best let these cute kids be, as anything you in your demi-divinity might do would probably hurt more than it would help. Proceed to Box J.

Box H: Hubert did actually have some skills in store. After learning how to pop and lock from an instructional DVD last year, he can draw a crowd and impress them. Even after the food fiasco, Gretta is suitably happy now that she has seen her date's new moves. But he still has a piece of roast beef stuck to the seat of his pants. Oh well …

Box I: What were you thinking?! This is quite possibly the worst move ever made by a demi-god in the history of the universe. As soon as Mr. Sparxxx's lovely croonings could be heard, Hubert started shaking it like the best of video girls. Unfortunately, this sat well with neither his male friends, who began to call him not nice names, nor his date, who exited just as he started to do the A-Town Star.

Box J: After two hours of shuffling around and trying to stop from spinning in an endless circle, both Hubert and Gretta are still fairly content. Not too happy, not too sad. Just right, Goldilocks style.