They are rumored to reside in every Uni household. Even if true, is that a bad thing? Uni students tell all …

By Emma Anselin & Andrea Park
Gargoyle assistant editor & staff reporter
Published Friday, March 17, 2006, The OG, in depth & features

IT WAS THE end of the day, and Jane had just finished all of her homework. The senior decided to relax a bit by talking to some friends on AIM when her dad angrily barged into the room.

He proceeded to harass her about her PSAT scores from the previous year and compared her to Suzy, her friend and close competitor.

“Why weren't you a National Merit Scholar?” her dad questioned her. “Suzy was a National Merit Scholar!”

Jane tried reasoning with him by pointing out that she was a National Merit Commended Student and only missed the cutoff by one point, but it simply wasn't good enough for him.

Her dad went on: “Suzy is applying to eight colleges; how many are you applying to? You need to get off the computer right now and go study some more!”

Uni parents are notorious for being overly involved in their children's academic and social lives. But how much of this assumption is actual fact, and how much of it is myth?

In a recent survey, Uni students revealed their true thoughts about the complex issue of pushy parents, ranging from why parents are pushy to the effects of parental control.

Who is a pushy parent?

What defines a “pushy parent,” according to Uni students?

Sophomore Marika Iyer responded in the survey that pushy parents exhibit behavior such as “constant harassment in terms of grades.”

In the survey, students were asked to rate the pushiness of their parents on a scale of one to 10. The most popular ranking was six, followed closely by four, seven, and eight.

Students observed that parents are often pushy because they want to see their kids succeed academically.

“They have the opinion that taking calc is the only way that I'll get into college, and that I have no other options,” said junior Emily Kamm.

Acceptance to prestigious colleges tops the priority lists of many pushy parents.

“They place a high emphasis on education, getting into college — like their kid's life depends on it,” said sophomore Eunice How.

Nevertheless, many Uni students stressed that parental jurisdiction extends beyond just academics to social activities.

“When I say ‘pushy,' I mean that [my parents] constantly want to know what I am doing (to an unnatural extent), and whom I'm doing it with,” commented subfreshman Nora Peterson.

Some students speculate that pushiness in the social sphere comes from a lack of trust, or a need to have a tight grip on a child's life.

“They have very high standards, or more likely, need a way to feel secure and in control, or aren't comfortable letting their child learn from (and make) their own mistakes,” noted sophomore Micah Berman.

According to this view, parents are accustomed to making decisions for their children and are uneasy about their new role as parents of a teen.

“They don't want us to grow up so fast,” said subbie Nile Hamer.

But I need a kick in the butt!

However, some students feel that academic pressure from parents is an important and necessary motivator.

“In terms of school, it's basically up to me to get everything done, and [my parents] won't butt in unless I ask for help or they feel I'm doing something completely wrong,” said sophomore Zoë Schein. “I do occasionally wish that they were more pushy, because it can be very hard to be self-motivated.”

In fact, some students emphasized that academic pushiness from an early age is the main factor in “gifted” performance.

“Many ‘gifted kids' were just pushed at the beginning before others,” commented freshman Annie Machesky.

Subfreshman Elizabeth Allen added, “A child who isn't pushed by their parents in the beginning won't get very far.”

Nevertheless, a number of Uni students thought that pressure from parents can have unintended negative effects on academic success.

“More stress from pushy parents causes you to perform worse, causing a feedback cycle of poor quality,” noted sophomore Ethan Stone.

Academic demands can also affect a child's learning experience.

“[My parents] make me very nervous about school,” said a student who wished to remain anonymous. “I wish I could go through school and just do it to learn.”

Parental control over education can even surface in a student's attitude.

“[Parents] think they are helping you out and guiding you in the right direction, but especially at this school they can overdo it and overpressure you or make you too competitive,” said Iyer.

Students also emphasized that controlling parents can prevent their children from forming the ability to make independent choices.

“[Children] ought to be allowed enough breathing room to make independent decisions in order to develop a strong personality that is a reflection of them rather than their parents,” said junior Dana Al-Qadi. “After all, how good can life be if you don't get to have your own experiences and take your own chances?”

I love my independence

In contrast, several students stressed that their parents' pushiness has cultivated a greater inner independence.

“Especially for me, I think pushing against my parents helped me become both a more independent and self-motivated person,” said junior Tanya Kostochka. “I'm better off because I end up looking for alternative points of view, as opposed to blindly believing my parents.”

Sophomore Shara Esbenshade stressed that she is encouraged by her parents to be more independent and opinionated, especially because of her mother's Hungarian background.

“There are still kids with really strict parents [in Hungary], but everyone, even those kids, are more trusted by their parents, maybe since they don't feel a need to defy them as much as American teenagers tend to,” said Esbenshade. “Personally I think that's because respect towards elders is extremely important and far more prevalent in Hungarian culture.”

It's not just the Asian parents

In fact, ethnicity is an important factor in the pushiness of parents, but unlike Esbenshade, many students feel their parents are more strict because of foreign values.

“Almost all foreign parents are pushy,” noted Kostochka. “They can't really help it. They want their child to make a good life in the new land and it is oh so easy to switch to a fanatical obsession with academic success.”

Al-Qadi added: “My parents' ethnic background definitely influences their parenting to a great degree. They were raised among a society that valued hard work and the importance of a good work ethic. … Culturally, family is a huge aspect of life, so the familial relationships are tight, and so my parents involve themselves a great deal in my life.”

Asian parents are stereotypically the worst among pushy parents, a reputation that many students seemed to agree with. In response to the question of why pushy parents are so pushy, freshman Carter Hutchens responded, “Because they are Asian.”

Hutchens' reply echoes the common assumption that all Asian parents are controlling and stressful.

“There are many suicides yearly in China because of the pressure that parents put on their kids,” said subfreshman Danny Ge.

Sophomore Linda Song explained that the pressure of Asian parents is again a question of background.

“Growing up in China, [my parents] grew to value a strong work ethic and school work a lot,” commented Song. “They used to ‘push' me to work, study, do more, etc., to an excess.”

Sophomore Ranny Ma added: “I think Asian parents expect more out of their kids. It's an Asian thing. It has to do with where they came from, their background, and how they came here.”

Students satisfied with status quo?

Despite the academic and social pressure, most students agreed that their parents are fine the way they are.

“They always support me no matter what,” said sophomore Frankie McFarland. “I feel that I am blessed for that, and that gives me a very positive attitude.”

Students also overwhelmingly emphasized that an ideal parent must walk the middle line between pushy and lax.

“Generally I think there needs to be a median of the two that allows the children to make their own choices,” said junior Robert Croisant. “But [parents] need to keep track of and care about their children in case they do need help. It is important to note the difference between help that is asked for and help forced upon them.”

Overall, Uni students reached a consensus that pushy and lax behavior both have positive and negative qualities. Parents must be involved but without compromising their children's independence or personal choices.

“Pushing is completely different than encouraging,” concluded Al-Qadi. “People like to know they have a support system that will help them leap over hurdles and hand them water bottles as they complete the race. Perhaps even a towel. But, it still comes down to the fact that children run the races on their own.”